Hello everybody, and welcome to the Facts and Logic Report!
*crowd cheering* Yes, thank you everyone! We’ve got a great show for you tonight!
Have you heard about this? The attorney Michael Avenatti is in the news. He challenged Donald Trump Jr to an MMA match for training. Crazy right?
Yeah, hopefully Avenatti is practicing wrestling, because no one will be able to punch Trump Jr’s nonexistent chin!
Trump Jr has not released a statement. However, thankfully Facts and Logic Report correspondent, Steve, who works out at 24 Hour Fitness, overheard Trump Jr at the gym. According to Steve, Trump Jr left a frantic voicemail to his dad, where he said “Please pick up papa. Please tell me the U.S. still has a supply of agent orange. You simply must carpet bomb Avenatti’s house papa.”
Have you heard about this, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and defender of crimes against humanity, Nikki Haley, has announced her retirement.
A lot of rumors regarding her retirement claim she has approximately $1 million of unpaid debts. I, for one, think it’s disgusting that a U.S. Ambassador would have to go in DEBT to FINANCE her second yacht.
However, we did get a statement from Nikki Haley herself:
It is false that I, Nikki Haley, am a million dollars in debt. The simple truth is, I loved denying the existence of Palestinian children on an International Stage so much, that I felt other people deserved the privilege to do so as well.
Well, there you have it.
Yeah, so apparently the stock market sunk a lot of points this week. I tried to look up the specific amount of points but then got bored.
Anyway, we took 14 people off the street to ask them some questions about the stock market. Here are the 14 random people:
We asked these 14 volunteers if they expected the stock market to sink a lot. 2 of them said yes, 1 of them said no, and 11 of them were shocked that the economy wasn’t considered in terrible shape already.
Finally, the Proud Boys went on a LARPing spree in New York on Friday night. Apparently, they were reenacting a historical event simulating domestic terrorism, and were so hopped up on sugar free Monster, they took the streets.
And of course, Fox News had to report on it. Fox News erroneously attributed the incident to Antifa. Now, people are upset about the whole “blatant propaganda”, but let’s not jump to conclusions. Any white person doing crime is considered Antifa to Fox News viewers.
Fox News reported that Antifa vandalized the NYC Republican headquarters. This might even be worse for Antifa. Yes, to Fox News viewers, vandalizing Republican property is literally worse than far-right street gangs committing random aggravated assaults.
[imitating geriatric Fox News viewer] “Oh look honey, it’s like that show Westworld! That cowboy-robot must have come to life! Oh golly, he’s brandishing a sword, just like the samurai robots do!”
Thank you everyone! We’re going to have a wonderful night.