Coming to you live, with the CBS Band, in the CBS Theatre, on CBS, it’s the Facts and Logic Report.
Thank you, thank you!
Alright, here’s some breaking news for you:
Donald Trump has announced a plan to pull out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty.
With this treaty, the USA and USSR disarmed any nuclear weapons with a range of less than 5,500 kilometers, or 3,420 miles.
Now, right off the bat, this seems like a weird treaty.
[imitating Ronald Reagan] Mr. Gorbachev, tear down…our entire nuclear arsenal except for the ones that could actually reach each other’s borders.
Yeah, this is pretty scary news. But Trump released a new statement:
Nuclear weapons are absolutely the most important weapons and the U.S. is absolutely the best country. Listen people, don’t worry, I’m not gonna nuke anyone. But we need the biggest weapons, so Russia doesn’t mess with us. They’re gonna be huge people.
Jamal Khashoggi, Saudi Arabian journalist, who was living in the US since 2017, was murdered by the Saudi government in Turkey this month.
Originally, the Saudi government released a phone statement to the U.S., saying “No Mr. Trump, we haven’t seen Jamal. He came by to hang out earlier, but he didn’t spend the night. He probably went to Little Johnny’s house and will be home soon.”
However, thankfully the American press has put pressure on the Saudi and US government to reveal the truth, that Khashoggi was murdered by the Saudi government. This has led to the American press also highlighting the Saudi genocide in Yemen
Yeah, we actually got a quote from the American press:
“We’ve obviously known about the genocide in Yemen for a long time, but you know, we protect American capitalist interest, and yada yada yada, we don’t report on it. But with Khashoggi’s noble martyrdom, we finally have a reason to report on the genocide. Sometimes we, the press, can make the world so much better in the midst of a tragedy.”
So onto some other news… Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson broke up.
Yeah, apparently Ariana Grande finally got around to listening to Pete Davidson’s interview with Howard Stern. In which, Davidson said, “I was jerking off to her before I met her.”
In the interview, Davidson also said, in regards to lasting longer during sex: “I was just thinking of my dad being burned alive. That’s what I do. I just think of my dad seeing that fire coming right towards him.”
Or maybe she realized her fiance, who looks like this:
is actually 100% white. Yes, Ariana Grande told us at Facts and Logic Report, “it wasn’t about race, it was about honesty in a relationship.”
Speaking of race, Elizabeth Warren took a DNA test to prove to Donald Trump that she’s, in fact, part Native American.
Yes, Elizabeth Warren took out the calipers and measured her nose and cranium herself, and determined she had mild American Mongoloid tendencies.
Elizabeth Warren determined she was, at least, 1/1,024th Native American, and at most, about 3%.
Because when Donald Trump harasses you about the purity of your blood, you obviously have to prove him right.
Yeah, what Elizabeth Warren doesn’t realize is when you’re a white American with native heritage from six to ten generations earlier, that’s not called being native, that’s called being a settler-colonialist!
Piers Morgan commented on Daniel Craig carrying around his child in a baby sling on his chest. Morgan called Craig “#emasculatedBond”.
I was thinking about this and started wondering, what would Piers Morgan consider a masculine way of holding a child? Swaddling it and holding it like a package?
So, we reached out to Piers Morgan and asked him what he thought the most masculine way to hold a baby is. Here’s his statement:
No, I didn’t have any issue with how he was holding the baby. He was emasculated because he was holding a baby at all. Don’t you buy servants to handle your babies? Mr. Craig, doing your own personal labor makes you seem both poor and gay. Good day, chap.
Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler made an announcement that he was giving increased control the the Portland police, in order to control conflicting protest groups.
Ted Wheeler then said that before a protest on August 4th, Portland police discovered weapon caches on top of parking garages. Police then took the guns from right-wing group, Patriot Prayer, but had to give them back, because the group had concealed carry licenses.
Yes, upon giving back the weapons, the Portland Police said, “okay, an administrative county clerk in Vancouver Washington surely knew better than us when he gave you this license.”
People were understandably upset about a pseudo-right wing militia leaving gun caches on top of parking garages. But in a Keyser Söze-esque twist, the Portland Police revealed it was them all along.