the Facts and Logic Report #3

Broadcasting live, from the historic CBS Theater in North Philly, the dirtiest place in the world, outside of Italy, it’s the Facts and Logic Report with Christian Patterson!

And now, your host, Christian Patterson!

*clapping*

Welcome everybody, thank you, thank you!

Let’s get right into the news shall we?

—–

Jeff Sessions resigned from his position as US Attorney General this week.

Yeah, he claimed that Donald Trump requested Sessions step down. Thankfully here at the Facts and Logic Report, we got the real reason he resigned.

Apparently, he got a new job in the private sector. Yeah, he got a job at the mall.

Now, most people will assume he will be one Santa’s elves, for the holiday season.

However, he’ll actually be the mall cop’s drug sniffing French bulldog!

—–

Republicans have cooled down on fearmongering about the caravan, now that the midterms are over, but it’s still popping up.

Yeah, the caravan of refugees left Honduras, and are traveling through Mexico. At least some of this caravan is seeking asylum at the U.S. border.

Before the midterms, Trump said the caravan included Middle Easterners, terrorists, and ISIS members. Yes, the caravan saw ISIS supersoldiers hitchhiking in Guadalajra and asked if they wanted to… hitch a walk! *buh-dmm-tss*

Get it, like hitch a ride, but they’re walking?

Yeah, Donald Trump added that Jason Voorhees, Godzilla, and Adolf Hitler have joined the caravan as well.

Trump said, “Remember that little guy with the mustache? He absolutely left Germany and went to a country near Honduras called Brazier. He’s still around people, scary stuff.”

—–

CNN reporter Jim Acosta was banned from the White House after questioning Donald Trump.

The White House claims Acosta is banned for hitting an intern, but of course that’s not the real reason.

Yeah, apparently he was actually banned, because after the Press conference, Acosta was peeing in a urinal next to Jared Kushner and Kushner claims Acosta glanced over at his penis!

—–

Last month, a guy named Cesar Seyoc sent crappy pipe bombs that didn’t work to several notable people. Some of the people included George Soros, Obama, the Clintons, and CNN.

Now the bomber is in jail, and was not granted the possibility of parole.

In response to the bomb mailing, society asked “who would do this?”. Well, to get a glimpse into this twisted mind, Facts and Logic Report got an exclusive interview with the aspiring bomber, in custody.

… We would include a quote from him but he spoke exclusively in pro-Donald Trump tweets. Checkmate society!

—–

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fractured three ribs and was rushed to the hospital.

This is bad news, especially because those three ribs are the only bones in Ginsburg bodies that haven’t rotted and liquefied.

—–

Apparently, in international news, the Saudi government has killed another journalist since they tortured and dismembered Jamal Khashoggi.

The journalist Turki bin Abdulaziz al-Jasser has been detained since March and died from torture.

Yeah, the Sauds said “sorry, it was a complete accident this time, we swear. We thought he was a Yemeni child.”

——

It was sweeps week for the political industrial complex, so the midterm elections happened here in the U.S. this month.

Let’s look at a couple of our superstar politicians who played a role in the midterms.

*clap*

Yes, notorious union buster and Foxconn lover, Scott Walker, lost the election for Wisconsin governor.

We sent our Facts and Logic Report Wisconsin correspondent to Scott Walker’s house to ask questions.

Unfortunately, our correspondent informed us that Scott Walker was found in his yard, wearing a Harry Truman mask, shouting at poor kids walking past “Ooga booga, I’m a union thug! If you join a union, that means you’re gay!”

His only formal statement to us was he kept chanting “union members are gaywads!”

—–

Steve King, noted white supremacist and guy who looks remarkably like how I imagine a pediatrician who molest kids would look, won his House seat in the Iowa midterms.

We sent our Facts and Logic Report Iowa correspondent, famous Iowan Ashton Kutcher,, to interview Steve King.

Kutcher: Hey what’s up Steve-o? So what’s up with all the white nationalist stuff?

King: How dare you ask me that? Not all people who constantly fearbait about immigrants, describe non white people like they’re animals, focus heavily on genetics and IQ are white nationalists.

Kutcher: Hey man, take a chill pill bro. You’re not getting Punkd, I’m a news correspondent now.

King: Well then let’s talk about important political issues like blood quantum, and measuring noses with calipers.

Kutcher: I have a better idea Steve-o, let’s smoke some pot.

[4 bong rips later]

King: Yeah man, so I was hanging out with this hot Canadian chick man. She’s so hot that the American media didn’t even notice she’s literally a neo-Nazi. Isn’t that sweet?

Kutcher: Dude, sweet!

—–

Ted Cruz narrowly beat Beto O’Rourke in Texas.

We, here at The Facts and Logic Report, found an honest, hard working Texan who voted for Ted Cruz, to ask some questions.

Please welcome the owner of Duke’s Used Car Emporium, Duke Bobman!!

So Duke, you voted for Ted Cruz?

Duke: Yer damn right!

And why did you vote for Ted Cruz?

Duke: As I’m sure you noticed, I’m a hard ass, tough-as-nails Texan. We need more politicians like me.

So how is Ted Cruz a hard ass?

Duke: It takes more courage than I have to literally kiss the ass of a demented New York billionaire.

Okay, I didn’t expect that answer. So you like that Ted Cruz is a sniveling turd?

Duke: I mean, if he would kiss a New Yorker’s ass, then I feel like he’d go as far as licking my butthole and that makes me feel special.

Also, remember that episode of Seinfeld where George’s fiance has a doll that looks just like George’s mom?

Yeah?

Duke: Well Ted Cruz looks like the doll and that’s my favorite Seinfeld episode. Yeehaw!

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